d-day +72

So I've decided to write a little bit about my experiences since May 5th, 2009, the day I was told my services would no longer be necessary as part of a layoff.

First, a bit about the day of the layoff. I spent 4 days in Vegas with my wife and her family for her mother's 60th birthday. All kinds of wacky Vegas shenanigans ensued. But the best part of the whole trip was when my wife and I went to the Cinnabon in the airport about an hour before our return flight to devour some tasty cinnamon rolls.

We were waiting in line when my cell phone rang. I could see from caller id that the call was coming from my office. I assumed that naturally it must be my boss or some other colleague calling to get my expert advice on some show stopping bug or help figuring out what some unintelligible parameter I coded into one of our applications meant.

Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Hi Jon, this is **** ***** from Microsoft, do you have a minute to talk?"

immediate confusion as I realize that the caller is actually our director of software, way up the line from me and my boss...

Me: "Well, actually, I'm on vacation at the moment, I'm waiting for my plane"
Director: "Yes, I know that you're on vacation, but I have something really important to talk to you about that can't really wait until tomorrow, that's why I called."

at this point I start worrying that I screwed up some stupid line of code or something and the whole business is falling apart, we're losing billions of dollars and Steve Ballmer is in a rage, throwing people out windows... i'm kind of paranoid, though maybe not paranoid enough considering what came out of his mouth next:

Director: "Have you seen the news or checked your email today?"
Me: "Nope...."

I'M ON VACATION!!!!!!

Director: "Well, Steve Ballmer sent out an email this morning, and it basically went to the effect that we are needing to perform more job layoffs, and unfortunately it's been decided that yours is one of the jobs that will be cut."
Me: "OK?..."

at this point I think I went kind of numb... I really wasn't expecting this since I had kind of forgotten during the last round of layoffs that there was a plan to do more. Not only that but I had just spent the last 3 nights getting hammered and putzing around the strip wasting away the money I probably could have used if for some strange reason I LOST MY FREAKING JOB.

From here he went on to explain that there was someone from HR there on the phone with us, and that it had been really nice working with me and he appreciated everything I had done for the company (which would have meant more to me if I was receiving a promotion or raise rather than losing my livelihood). He passed the call over to the HR rep, who explained the terms of my layoff and the severance package that I would be receiving.

Here's where things started to sound interesting. I would still be an employee of Microsoft for 60 days following the date of my layoff. Basically, my only job would be to find another job, whether that be within or outside the company. My paycheck and benefits would be the same. I'd even keep my blue badge and get to use the company intranet for job searching.

At this point I started to get a little excited. It sounded like a vacation. I mean, I basically couldn't stand my job at this point anyway, and now I'd get paid to not go to it. Kind of like the guy on Office Space.

I was also told that if I didn't find a job within the company in 60 days, I'd be given a severance package including 1 weeks pay and cobra payout for every 6 months I'd been with the company, plus a bonus equaling 8% of my salary.

Now this was starting to sound freaking awesome. I did a little math in my head and figured that I had 7 weeks of this severance plan, plus about another month without health insurance (who needs health insurance anyway, not like I'll run myself through with a chainsaw or anything... uh, wait... more on that at a later date) if I included the 8% bonus.

By the time the call was over I was a little nervous, but mostly ecstatic. I didn't have to quit this job I hated, the company just quit it for me, and they were handing me almost 5 months worth of pay to do jack shit at the same time!

Ya... fast forward to 5 minutes later...

My heart starts pounding, my hands start trembling, and I'm having trouble getting a deep breath. Panic has set in. Luckily, I'm not completely adverse to popping pills in times of emotional crisis, and my mother-in-law is not adverse to handing them out without a phd, so about a half hour later I was fast asleep even before the plane took off.

I was on my way home, to start a brand new life, consisting mostly of sleeping, video games, and internet pornorgraphy.


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edit: I must give credit to Keri Robinson of Lords and Ladies of Leisure, whose blog postings gave me the idea to write some of this down and get it off my chest. I don't expect to be 1/100th as entertaining as her, but this is mostly for me so I don't really care :)
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Boycott Ticketmaster

I recently had the privilege of interacting with Ticketmaster's customer service department and was pretty horrified by the fact that they refuse to cease providing my personal information to third parties. Below is the entire interaction with their customer "service" representative. This is a pretty long thread to read through, but I think it demonstrates Ticketmaster's complete unwillingness to protect their customer's privacy. I find it funny how they continue to thank me for my business in their stupid ass form letter even as i'm basically telling them to screw off.

Hello,

Is there a way for me to opt out of receiving emails from third parties, such as venues, after purchasing a ticket through ticketmaster.com? Every time I purchase a ticket I am immediately spammed with emails from the venue, other venues, and promoters throughout the area. This is extremely frustrating and I'm upset that ticketmaster would give out my personal email address in this way. I don't want to have to create a separate email address just for ticketmaster purchases to avoid being spammed, and I shouldn't have to sift through these emails and individually unsubscribe from mailing lists that I never wanted to opt into in the first place, but I am not given a choice as to whether I would like to opt out.

Thank you for your time

Robert C


(Kelly (Ticketmaster.com Customer Support))*02/21/2008 04:51 PM EST

Dear Robert,

Thank you for your e-mail. When you initially set up your My Ticketmaster account or purchased tickets, you were opted in to receive e-mails from Ticketmaster and from those who provide the events for which you purchase tickets, as stated clearly on the screen during those processes, and in the Ticketmaster.com Privacy Policy.

We have re-set the Ticketmaster databases so that Ticketmaster will not send future marketing e-mails to the e-mail address designated in your My Ticketmaster account (unless of course you separately opt-in). We do not control the databases or e-mail practices of those who provide the entertainment events for which you purchase tickets from Ticketmaster. To unsubscribe from those databases, you will need to communicate with the event providers directly.

We hope you have found our reply to your e-mail to be helpful, and regret any inconvenience you may have experienced. If you have any additional questions about our privacy or e-mail practices, you may find the answers to them in our privacy policy.

Thank you for using Ticketmaster. We very much appreciate your business, and hope we were able to resolve any problems or answer any questions you had. Please reply, and let us know if we may be of further assistance.

Sincerely,

Kelly (Ticketmaster.com Customer Support) * Customer (Robert C)*02/21/2008 03:12 PM EST

Customer (Robert C)*02/21/2008 05:12 PM EST
Hello Kelly,
I understand that your privacy policy is stated and that you are not doing anything that I did not agree to by signing up for an account and purchasing tickets. My problem is not that you followed through on your promise to give out my email address, but that I believe your policy to be unfair and exploitive. Customers are not provided with a choice as to whether or not to opt into this spamming policy, other than not using your website for purchasing tickets. Considering you hold a near monopoly on event ticket purchases, customer's choices are severely limited.

I am not worried about whether or not you reset your database so that I don't receive emails from ticketmaster. I can do that myself through the account settings interface.

I am, however, upset that I seem to have no choice as to whether or not you provide my personal information to third parties from whom I do not want to receive such materials. Is this what is implied by your response, that your company will not discontinue providing third parties with my email address?

* Subject* third party emails * Discussion Thread* * (Kelly (Ticketmaster.com Customer Support))*02/21/2008 05:21 PM EST

Dear Robert,

Thank you for contacting us. We do regret any inconvenience you have experienced. Opting in to receive emails from those who provide the events for which you purchase tickets is part of an agreement Ticketmaster maintains with its partners. If you do not wish to be opted in to receive emails from those who provide the entertainment events for which you purchase tickets from Ticketmaster, tickets can also be purchased from your local outlets and directly from the venue. Again, we regret any inconvenience.

Thank you for using Ticketmaster. We very much appreciate your business, and hope we were able to resolve any problems or answer any questions you had. Please let us know if we may beof further assistance.

Sincerely,
Kelly (Ticketmaster.com Customer Support) *

Customer (Robert C) 02/21/2008 05:34 PM EST
Thank you for clarifying, Kelly. This agreement you have with your partners is at the expense of and to the detriment of your customers, a group of which I will no longer be a part. I am thoroughly shocked that a supposedly respectable company would have such a complete disregard for the privacy of its customers.

There is no valid reason that I can come up with that your company would not provide an opt out for to these types of information sharing. You said yourself that I could purchase tickets from the venue itself or through your local outlets and I would not be subjected to this type of deceptive marketing. I think I'll take the former option and make absolutely sure to tell as many people I can think of to do the same until your company changes this ridiculous practice. Please tell me how I can remove my customer account from your database along with any personal information.

(Kelly (Ticketmaster.com Customer Support)) 02/21/2008 05:38 PM EST
Dear Robert,

Thank you for your e-mail. We have removed your account from our system. We do not control the databases or e-mail practices of those who provide the entertainment events for which you purchase tickets from Ticketmaster. To unsubscribe from those databases, you will need to communicate with the event providers directly.

We hope you have found our reply to your e-mail to be helpful, and regret any inconvenience you may have experienced. If you have any additional questions about our privacy or e-mail practices, you may find the answers to them in our privacy policy.

Thank you for using Ticketmaster. We very much appreciate your business, and hope we were able to resolve any problems or answer any questions you had. Please reply, and let us know if we may be of further assistance.

Sincerely,
Kelly (Ticketmaster.com Customer Support)